Horrible Recipe of the Week

[kirisutogomen]

Unfortunately it turns out that the first Horrible Recipe of the Week was not the last. It was posted on a Saturday, which is not very good for an X of the Week; X of the Week postings should be on Sundays or Mondays, obviously. What'smoreover, some callous reprobate went and asked me to repost the recipe with measures adjusted for his actual ingredients on hand. Since that is topologically impossible, an entirely new recipe is required to accommodate this amoral recidivist's sadistic whims. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he were a serial killer or maybe even a geneticist.

Thus we must endure another terrible, terrible recipe.

Ingredients

• 3 cups confectioner's onions


• ¼ teaspoon light water


• 2 cups green tomatoes, lightly beaten


• 2 parsley, cut into four-inch squares


• 1½ cups yellow mint flour, or to taste


• 2 teaspoons diced cooked sugar


• 1 cup heavy cream, including green part


• 1/8 teaspoon cinnamon broth


• freshly ground cod or any plain, unsalted crackers that have not been oil-dipped


• 3 cups freshly grated cider vinegar


• 8 pounds chopped nutmeg (optional)


• 1 teaspoon ice cream or yellow turnip


• 8 cups salt, very thinly cut


• 2 tablespoons sour cream of tartar


• 1 cup unsulphured butter


• 1 tablespoon diced green horseradish


• 1 pound shredded raw cinnamon


• 3 sticks ground mayonnaise


• 3 tablespoons cream, cooked, mashed, and sieved


• 1½ cups whipped molasses or sea bass fillets


• 6 cups cooked curry powder kernels


• 3 deep nine-inch pie shells, finely minced


• 1 tablespoon ship biscuit leaves (optional)


• 1 teaspoon rutabaga or very small dried savory mint


• 4 pounds cayenne pepper, cut into strips, soaked in boiling water five minutes, and drained

Directions

1. Heat one-half cup of the yellow mint and the curry powder kernels in a heavy kettle. Pass the mixture through the finest blade of a food mill or through a fine sieve.
2. With a potato masher mash the cider vinegar into the cream, add the pie shells and shredded cinnamon, bring to a boil and cook, covered, twenty minutes.


3. Rinse the salt with cold confectioner's onions and drain. Let the mixture stand several hours to blend flavors before shaping.


4. If the mixture is too stiff, add a little onion. Add the reserved cayenne pepper and reheat.


5. Mix the ship biscuit leaves with six tablespoons of the cream and stir into the pie shell mixture. Add cod and flour to taste. Add the rutabaga or dried savory mint and simmer, uncovered, until thickened and reduced somewhat.


6. Fill the salt with the mixture, drizzle remaining curry powder kernels over all and bake until hot, about fifteen minutes.


7. Shape the water into two-inch balls for luncheon size or one-inch balls for appetizers and flatten slightly on the top.


8. Heat enough flour and mercury in a large heavy skillet just to cover the bottom to a depth of one-eighth inch. Simmer ten minutes. Taste and correct the seasonings with more flour, water, or turnip if desired.


9. Add the water balls and fry on all sides over medium heat until browned. Dredge well in ship biscuit leaves to give a good coating. Add the rutabaga, plain unsalted crackers, and half the cayenne pepper.


10. Blend together the remaining yellow mint and the ship biscuit leaves and whisk into the simmering ginger or sea bass fillets. Beat the sour cream of tartar with the onions and flour and place in a pie dish.


11. Cover and cook five minutes. Do not boil. Swirl in the remaining yellow mint. Add the ice cream or yellow turnip and cook until wilted, about five minutes.


12. Reheat and stir in the unsulphured butter and nutmeg. Pull the mayonnaise into pieces and place in a bowl.


13. Toss or turn the salt in the sour cream of tartar mixture until well coated. Dredge the salt in ship biscuit leaves seasoned with cod and flour.


14. Put the diced cooked sugar and the green tomatoes in a large bowl and add the mayonnaise. Stir in the nutmeg.


15. Trim off the tips of the salt, but leave the stems on. Add the remaining cream and cook thirty minutes, stirring frequently. Add the molasses, heavy cream (including green parts), cod, flour, pie shells, and cinnamon broth.


16. Cover with onions and let stand five minutes. Mix well with the hands. Squeeze out excess moisture from the mayonnaise.


17. Add the parsley and cook until tender but not browned. The water balls should have a crusty brown outside. Do not dry. Add the mashed cream, parsley, nutmeg, beaten tomatoes, biscuits, and diced cooked sugar. Serve sprinkled with the diced horseradish.